entry 26
8/19/25
i was supposed to be finish packing today... i haven't begun. i am so tired and just want a day to myself for now; i have packages to drop off but may ask mother morrison to drop them off for me considering how exhuasted i am. i wanna edit my website and finish my custom that i mentioned last entry.
another goal i have is to download my entire graphics collection; hotlinking is easy and saves space, but i recognize how important file ownership is now. if i didn't use my computer for school and for fun, i wouldn't be as concerned about space, i think.
i want to do things but am too exhausted to begin. i really, really do want to. i want to create more art!!!
entry 25
8/18/25
hello. i dropped gf off for the final time this summer and i want to crawl out of my skin and rip my jaw off so that's awesome
i have a headache and am working on an lps custom i started alongside gf (GOD WHY COME HOME AGAIN). i want dinner. i am excited to move into my apartment which apparently has no wifi no kitchen space and spiders everywhere. also the back door is broken. but i kinda live for the mess and the lack of functionality because it makes me very creative.
entry 24
8/17/25
today is my second-to-last-day of gf time. we've spent nearly a week together and, honestly, the whole summer together, but it isn't enough. i move in soon, and am dedicating the days leading up to said move to packing and donating things i don't need. i have 6 packages to send out which is great!! but so stressful. i'm gonna paint lps with the wife and get excited for chipotle for dinner.
i'm so happy with my new index layout for the site; it's so simple but feels so much more like me than my old layout. i miss the maroon and the cat gif, but don't miss the hating-my-layout. i'm excited to have my own room in my own place and edit my site in that room. it's the little things
entry 23
8/10/25
i've gotten some solid orders this week--two of them! they were both lps lots, and i'll miss the lps, but it's important i save up for life's things. i did two miles on the treadmill last night and had so much fun; i'm excited to box at school if i can. i love staying active, but i also have so many issues right now, so it's hard to stay consistent with the perpetual exhaustion. i'm gonna list a bunch of clothes today and film a patreon exclusive that i've been wanting to film for the past two days now. my mom's bringing me a second coffee.
i move into my new apartment in 11 days; while i guess living in the dorm was my first time living away from home, an apartment feels more permanent, more home-like. i'm excited to feel free. i've never felt comfortable living with other people, even people i like, because of my home-home situation, but i think the people i'm living with that will ACTUALLY have something better to do than rot at home and hover over me will be good roommates (my buddies!).
i'm so, so tired this morning. i woke up at 6:55am to the remaining people in my house fighting; mom's been away at her friends house since yesterday evening, and i hope they had a fun time at the comedy show they were going to see. i recently checked on my friend aubrey's website (hi aubrey i miss you) and it's so lovely, so her. she's inspired me to condense my page to subjects i have a distinct passion for, prompting my deletion of various pages and sections.
i'm wearing my katya shirt, found my old trixie shirt, and i'm selling clothes. clothes, clothes, clothes. i'm donating clothes, as well, of course. clothes!
entry 22
8/9/25
not feeling great. i sent out a package this morning and have listed various items after creating two giant bags of donation items. my mood keeps changing, up and down, up and down... i want to feel normal please
i have the urge to keep ridding myself of everything i own in fear of not having enough money or space. i've always gotten rid of things when stressed or down, but this feels so extreme. i need to cleanse; i feel like morgan in TWD when he needed to clear things (except i don't wanna kill people, i just wanna sell clothes lol). i just feel uchk if that even translates. i feel empty, and it feels like every time i reclaim my emotions, something triggers me into emptiness again. i want to be good again
entry 21
8/8/25
IT'S ETHEL CAIN DAY!!!!!!
i am drinking a coffee and i ate a sweet little treat and i am feeling better. i am gonna film again today hopefully, but first i wanna clean my room. i'm gonna eat an actual meal this morning, maybe an epic bagel with some yummy butter. i miss my friends from school. i have the urge to create. also to smoke again but i'm gonna refrain. don't wanna carry on the family legacy of smoking, although i joke about it often.
thinking about doing makeup today but i probably wont; it's draggy and intense and intimidating. i love drag queens and trixe and katya too much it makes me explode.
entry 20
8/7/25
lucky number 20; next will be my golden number. OH tomorrow ethel cain album comes out. i am freaked the freak out i'm so excited
i'm filming again today. gonna smoke a cigarette this morning because i believe it's the only thing that will keep me from former self-destructive behaviors (sorry to my gf and mother, i know this will not make either of you happy, either way). found one after wishing the night before and felt it was waiting for my lungs. i figured i'd give her what she wanted, put her to use; the life of a cigarette is so long and, yet, so short! also i need to eat. i'm not doing well today. went to bed hungry and did so intentionally and in pain. not good i think. i'm stuggling a lot. gonna talk about it online maybe (as i so frequently do)
i feel so out of control and, since i never had a "rebellious phase," i am 20 with the urges of an edgy 16-year-old; i wanna smoke behind my mom's back and get in trouble for it. what is wrong with meeeeeeee
update i smoked it and lived
entry 19
8/6/25
friendship breakups are one of the hardest forms of heartbreak to endure. i don't like people knowing i have feelings, that i'm not tough and cold and above it all, but i feel so sad. i feel empty. i miss who i thought would be my best friend forever. i cannot be friends with someone who hurt me so deeply again, and that's what makes it all the worse--there's no hope of returning to that bond.
i really am scared and uncomfortable as i write this because i know i'm about to "expose myself" and, potentially, let her know i miss her. i don't miss who she was as our friendship ended, but i miss who she was when we were close. i hope she's hurting without me, just so i can feel like i meant something i think. oversharing on the internet again oopsie
the second i remember she exists and is fine without me, i crumble. i've felt so awful, like a regressed version of myself, since i ended our friendship; it was such a sudden end, one i knew would come, but wasn't ready for. she never "completed" me, but she certainly took up a large portion of my heart that i'm struggling to refill. i resent her for prompting my numbness even though it's truly my brain's chemisty doing the dirty work. please tell me i'm not alone in this. i feel very alone again, like i did in high school. crazy thing is, she never cured my loneliness--arguably, i felt most alone with her--but being without her deepens it. i haven't seen her in, i think, over a year, but i cannot stop myself from feeling this way. i hate being irrational.
for my pride's sake, i would love to clarify to my ex-friend that i am okay, that i will always be okay, that i am better without her, that she doesn't consume my life, and that's about 75% true; the other 25% is full of a nostalgic mourning and grief i can't even begin to describe. why am i sad over someone i feel betrayed me, someone i feel has loyalty to nobody, not even herself? maybe she just didn't have loyalty to me. maybe that's what hurts the most.
entry 18
8/5/25
analog notetaking for my final year of undergrad. i need to. it's time. analoging my way through this entire school year, hopefully (i must use canvas, of course). i want to touch things again, i hate how intangible the world has become.
i ripped off a huge part of my left pointer finger nail on accident today. i'm sad about this.
i'm missing my friend aubrey who hasn't hurt me; i am also missing many ex-friends who continue to hurt me without knowing me anymore. how crazy is that?!?!?! i'm gonna watch the new episode of "the bald and the beautiful" when it releases today, maybe eat some cheese as i watch. the fuck do you know about meunster cheese? i always want to spell it "munster," like the old show.
i think i forgot who i was for years. i don't think i knew i was surpressing my affinity for dark & twisty things, for unsettling media. i only ever recognized surpressing my liking of littlest pet shops into my early pre-teen years. i am a cunty little fake goth freak YES
entry 17
8/4/25
i filmed another video!!! i also might need to never eat chipotle vinaigrette agian (i will eat it again) because every time i eat it i vurp (in case you were curious)
being neurodivergent is so fun when i'm alone; it's terrible in all other circumstances, however. why can't i be motivated to make lps videos unless they're my number one special interest?? AUTISM
entry 16
7/30/25
today i have to go to the dentist because i think i have a pretty bad cavity. i'm sad and scared, but i'm proud of myself for taking initiative. if you've never had issues with your teeth, you probably don't love the dentist, but you don't understand the fear of entering that place.
eating and body image have been hard lately, but what about that is shocking?? i'm proud of all i've been doing to improve my quality of life, my mental health, but i still struggle. yesterday, i finally filmed and uploaded a short video, but could barely get through filming/editing because of how much i dislike my face recently. my underbite and crossbite make looking at myself speaking so hard.
my body still hurts from an impromptu workout i did two days ago; it was ab-focused but, most likely, improperly done, which is why i'm in so much pain. dysphoria, dysmorphia, mental instability, all of it--i'm lucky i'm medicated (again, thank you Mom and, for once, Big PharMa). after writing this, i'm gonna go on the treadmill to clear my head. i took a walk a couple evenings ago and it cleared my mind majorly; i don't feel like going outside due to the humidity and business of the mid-morning, so i'll treadmill it. staying active keeps me sane, although i've never been "athletic."
i'm certainly having a lot of feelings today; i was numb for a couple days--almost a week--and now that i can feel again it's quite a lot to deal with. i sound so fucking EMO GROSS i swear i'm not trying to be all dramatic and sad.
i'm excited to go back to school and have access to a gym without having to have a car to get to it. i'm excited to not be paranoid i'm being listened to or hovered over in the kitchen by anyone. it's terribly bittersweet because i'm so excited to feel relief and freedom, but my girlfriend will be almost 8 hours away from me for 9 months, and my mom & brother will be a couple hours away, as well. at least i'll have my roommates and my cat.
entry 15
7/29/25
GUYSSSSS i started a patreon!!! i'm so excited!!! i'm a small channel on youtube with just over a hundred subscribers, but i'm so excited to have another way to connect with dedicated divas. i'm also excited to continue my internet "career" if you can even call it that; i don't want to monetize my channel, at least once i have the option, because i. hate. ads. but i don't know if ads will play without my monetization??? i should look into that. GET AN AD BLOCKER PLS GUYS
haven't picked up "lolita" since starting it--i'm almost 50 pages in--because of a bit of high-functioning depression happening at the moment. i'm motivated now and finally got my prozac (thank you Mom & Lord PharMa), and ran a bunch of small errands this morning all before 10am. i hope everything goes okay for everyone, including myself.
i'm gonna go film some stuff now. BYEEE
entry 14
7/27/25
abracadabra abra-oo, na-na, abracadabra, abra-oo, ga-ga
today i ate junior mints for breakfast and did my laundry. i finally brought in everything from my apartment shopping excursion and am reading "lolita" over "coraline" now. i sold a lot of lps on ebay and i'm thinking of selling more to get some extra cash for the move/to save for leaving home after school. lots in my brain but only junior mints and water in my stomach. i need coffee.
gonna go on the treadmill, shower, and hopefully film a video. maybe it'll be about autism, or maybe about something else. i want pizza. i hope everyone has a good day today. i need prozac. i also need more piercings and tattoos. i need to frolic
entry 13
7/25/25
tmi time
i can't stop picking my skin and i am concerned for my health for various reasons. i want it all to STOPPPP
anyway i'm gonna read because i still haven't and ponder what i will spend the rest of my small town summer doing love ya
entry 12
7/22/25
YELLO
i plugged in a fan i've had for a long time today. very excited. i love my fan; it's old as hell.
last night, i showered and brushed my teeth even though i really thought i couldn't. i did!!! i also made my bed with clean everything & am gonna start cleaning after this entry. pmdd is such a BITCH but the "revivial" and euphroia after my body & mind remember they're functional and ambitious is unmatched. so much motivation, so much time. very exciting. i have yet to start reading, but did complete everything i wished to in my last entry otherwise. i am wearing my aligners--a challenge for me for some reason--and cleaned up parts of my room that were bothering me. i always revel in my stability when it returns after the hell pmdd puts me through. can you tell??
i got some coffee and it tastes like shit, but i got coffee!! i LEFT THE HOUSE IN THE MORNING ON MY OWN ACCORD this is huge. i'm not agoraphobic in my opinion, but initiating outside-world tasks after a depressive episode is a challenge for me; i feel like i shouldn't be seen. i'm in a good mood... let's see how the day goes. hopefully, i clean, eat, exercise, and read before getting my girlfriend from the station today. those are my goals!!!! after i get her, we're gonna shop for my apartment for the upcoming school year. YAYYYY
entry 11
7/20/25
i am having many thoughts lately
i bought sunscreen, nail hardener, and leanse cleaner today. i will wash more of my dirty clothes, take my meds, scan my teeth for my orthodontist, and read today. i want to read coraline. i'm excited to see hozier with the wife this week!!
i'm consuming violent amounts of queer media again which makes my brain so happy. i want to move to new york, maybe around brooklyn, because it feels right. i'll be on the east coast someday. i love my heating pad. i want to stop waking up with headaches and in pain. i'm gonna start doing drag soon, whatever that looks like i have no clue. what if i'm secretly a twink in denial that just wants to do drag? i need to shop for my apartment for school this year. i need to make sure what i purchase will be applicable to wherever i end up after. christianity freaks me the fuck out, but most organized religions do. many thoughts, i told you.
i hope to make both a "regular" face channel video and an asmr video soon. i'm intersted in filming again after months of burn out.
entry 10
7/12/25
i feel like lps rabbit 1310
i think he perfectly represents hEDS and POTS, both of which i may have. he's their fursona YESSSSS but okay i'm so tired of always being in pain, even when it's not that bad. at the same time, what if i'm wrong and i'm just... weak?? or not eating enough iron or something (which, i'm not, but the iron pills don't take away my POTS and hEDS symptoms lol). i wish i could just lay down without having to constantly readjust, just hold something without my fingers locking after a minute, just walk without feeling like i'm about to black out. this is a pretty mopey entry, i'm now realizing... i'm SORRY MY DIVAS
i just want to be normal. i've always had abnormally soft skin without needing lotion or exfoliants, i've always been abnormally flexible from a young age, blah blah blah--but again, i'm fully convinced i somehow have all of these symptoms by mere coincidence and not because there's something diagnosable. i think it stems from my symptoms being downplayed as a kid a lot of the time, which makes sense to an extent because i was always trying to stay home from school... but also, there were times when i went to school and, like, turned green before i was finally believed about feeling ill LMAO so idk maybe i just need both a doctor and a therapist. someone else i'd normally go to with my health concerns is having their own right now, so i feel like i'm just taking up space needed for them. does that even make sense dear god i need a pill or something
what i'm gathering is, i think being a neglected kid has affected my adult self... who wouldda thunk!!!! i am just feeling quite alone in my struggles lately and really wish someone understood without attempting to reaffirm what they don't understand. i already understand what's wrong and that it's okay, i guess. it's kinda triggering when people attempt to explain what i feel/explain why i'm feeling it; i just want an ear. GUYS I SMELL THERAPY IN MY FUTURE YASSSSS insurance pls get me a good diva
entry 9
7/11/25
i have many thoughts.
i want to join my university's kickboxinng club but don't have the money to do so right now, so i need to find a punching bag on campus... between the two gyms we have, i don't know if there's a single punching bag, sadly. i want to fight but not actually, not violently; i want to feel strong and get back to kickboxing like i did in high school. i also have been reading because i remembered the kindle app exists; normally i hate digital reading but, at this point, i have the resource so i may as well use it, especially to get back into reading. i'm reading a splatterpunk book called "woom," which has been so gross but so intruiging i can't stop reading it. i think it's important to read splatterpunk not because it's cool to brag about, but because it began as a form of censorship protest. it's important the splatterpunk is of high-quality, though... i don't want to read gore porn.
other than that, i've been taking care of a family friend's dog in the early morning which has been nice. he's quite a sad dog right now because he's very attached to his owners, but he's so sweet for being such a big dog (which i love). i love big dogs, although i'm quite hesitant around large animals a lot of the time. i pretend not to be scared to get over the initial fear--faking it 'til i make it i think--but this dog is so sweet i don't really have to. not that much.
i made two lps videos since i've last written here, one of which was old and edited to save space on my phone, which feels pretty good. i also tried a new drink today, replacing my morning coffee with a Dunkin' energy drink!! it takes a lot to get myself to try new food--less than it used to though--so i'm proud of myself for trying this. it's really good, but unexpectedly sour. YIKES oh i also finally doodled in my sketchbook after months!!! i've been using ibis paint x on my phone and tablet for a couple days which warmed me up to using my sketchbook again. i don't love what i drew, but i still want to draw more. i think .
edit: there are punching bags available!!!!
entry 8
7/4/25
ho it's national firework day. nothing more. the us became a thing on the 2nd anyway. still genocidally. is that a word
I WANT TO MAKE AN LPS VIDEO AGAINNNN my gf is here and will make it with me. i love her and i love lps. i am still developing the messiah lore but want to explore the story through shorts more than i want to create episodes, i think; maybe i'll chronicle each character and somehow, all the "episodes" will connect? that'll take quite a bit of time but it sounds so fun..... i love lpstube GOD I NEED TO YAP ABOUT IT SO BAD
i need to add this shit to my lps shrine. love ya bye
entry 7
7/3/25
HIIIIIIIIII i'm about to talk about my lps stories so please pardon my nerd out
i finally made another lps music video yesterday. it was short and kinda meh in my opinion but it instantly threw me back into the messiah world. i love pierre; he went from a new side character to a very important character so quickly and unexpectedly. i won't say anything about him, but i will continue to yap about how much i love him!!! in other lps news, i've finalized the messiah cast and accidentally changed its original lineup. originally, i wanted it to exist within the same universe as the one i created for caravo's cafe, a previous story i planned on executing but have since lost interest in. it was about mob life & included tyler, harley, and marnie, but failed to include addy and some of my other favorite characters. i think, if i continue that series (which has river, one of my favorite characters thus far, and margo and peter AND JEREMIAH GODDDD), i'll include it in either a different universe or change the entire plot... the ladder is what sounds best to me. i hated the main character so much, i don't know what i was thinking.
interestingly enough, johnathan and addy (previously cora) were in an even older series of mine that i'm so thankful i scrapped; it was so boring and so dramatic... & not in the fun way. i believe i used marnie as cora's mom in that series, as well, haha
i'm so excited to be obsessed with my stories again. i've added a couple characters--mara, johnathan, marnie, and andie--as of today because i needed to diversify the molds i was using... i have a main 5 problem out of habit!!! but i love #523 and #2440 so much, so i figured i'd add them in!!! it's 100% changed the story, as i eliminated ella, a side character, and angel & tucker, two once-important characters, in favor of the spread i have now, so i'll need to rethink a lot.
entry 6
7/1/25
alright alright hello everyone
i went to my frist pride parade the other day and had a lovely time!!! i painted a couple lps accessories today and want to finish the eyes of a custom i've had sitting around for months. i've spent the entire day in my room after getting home from my girlfriend's house and find it difficult to remain home for longer than a couple days--even a single day. i have the opposite of agoraphobia, i think. it's odd, because i'm a homebody and intj, so you'd assume i'd love being home, in my room, alone.... not currently. i want to continue doing art and make videos but it's quite hard. i don't feel correct here.
i want to be covered in tattoos someday. i want to do clown makeup, too, but don't know what i want it to look like. i hope i have good updates on both of these wishes soon.
entry 5
6/28/25
i said i wouldn't get mega personal but GODDDDD it's so hard
someone in my family told me about horrible things they did and i keep thinking about it and feel gross. i can't even tell anyone because it grosses me out so bad. i wish my family wasn't freaked the freak outttt
entry 4
6/27/25
good morning gay nation
the concert was sosososo fun!!!! it was very loud and hot, but i enjoyed the high energy of the performers. i even got a shirt!!! some girl gave out some freebies to me and my little cousin, and now i have an epic rainbow loom bracelet that contains my favorite colors. i'm gonna take the day to relax and catch up on my website needs. i love making this website holy shit. it's so fun. i've been social media "free" for 6 days now and it's much thanks to neocities. im about to make my oats and coffee and enjoy my morning before showering and running some small errands. i'm going to pride soon--my first one EVER--so i'm also gonna prepare for that!!! YAYAYYAYAYYA i'm also wanting to start making asmr content again. i've tried before but got scared. i dont give a gaf at the moment so i may as well.
update, 9:57pm: i threw up. i had a 9-year streak and then broke it in september 2024 at WORK OF ALL PLACES and now i've done it again. i mini vommed a while back but. this was an event. sorry to my emetaphobic divas. but yes i threw up and think it was a because of the food i was eating in combo with my body not working this past week. mkay goodnight
entry 3
6/26/25
recently, my girlfriend and i celebrated our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY YAYAYYAYAYYAYAY i lover her. hi angel
i'm reluctantly leaving for a concert i do not want to go to, although i am grateful for the experience and excited to see the performance. i'm just exhausted!!! i revamped many aspects of my site and am super hyperfixated on editing it right now, which makes it harder for me to gain motivation to go. i know it will be fun, and need to get ready asap as i've put it off longggg enough. just wanted to write a little update. soon, i go to pride!!! and then i have to exciting concerts coming up!!!!! so that's fun to look forward to. i feel like i have a really weird tone right now. oopsie bye bye !!!
entry 2
6/21/25
it's 8:09am and i am only using my phone to listen to my favorite podcast (the bald & the beautiful) before beginning work on videos, depop, and other things!!! before anything else, i'm going to actualize something i've wanted to draw for a while... i would say what it is but i can't, it's a secret!!! hehehe i'm excited to create. so far, i only miss instagram because i had a mini lps community on there; i was more popular on tiktok, but that popularity is so impersonal it made me a bit sad. i'm drinking coffee, about to make some lovely art, and listening to two bald middle-aged drag queens named brian yap. life is beautiful. i miss my girlfriend and my friends. i wish i wasn't living where i am currently but hey, what can ya do??? i just wanna keep writing. i shouldn't but i want to. lalala yesterday i had some amazing peanut butter and dark chocolate oatmeal and i am thinking about it a lot right now. mmmmm. okay byeeeee
entry 1
6/20/25
today i deleted all social media from my phone besides youtube (i upload and create from my phone) and spotify... if that counts?? i'm ancy already which is insane. i have the urge to write about this on a beautiful and funny instagram story, but that's not possible at the moment. thank god! in other news, i did my laundry and, more importantly, PUT IT AWAYYYYYY. now i am charging my phone and headphones before working out (boxing and inclined walk on treadmill!!). then i will hopefully draw??? maybe. i also am thinking about DVDs and how badly i wish they remained the standard for viewing media of its nature. we recently had to get rid of esentially all of our streaming services at home, so i guess it's good DVDs are undervalued; i get to keep them all to myself for 0.99 at my local Goodwill. okay this is so odd and unorganized but stream of conciousness is so fun. thanks for reading!!!!